Arms and the Man

Bernard Shaw

BLUNTSCHLI. [making a wry face] Do you like gratitude? I dont. If pity is akin to love, gratitude is akin to the other thing.

BLUNTSCHLI. I can't help it. When you strike that noble attitude and speak in that thrilling voice, I admire you; but I find it impossible to believe a single word you say.

LOUKA. I would marry the man I loved, which no other queen in Europe has the courage to do. If I loved you, though you would be as far beneath me as I am beneath you, I would dare to be the equal of my inferior. Would you dare as much if you loved me? No: if you felt the beginnings of love for me you would not let it grow. You would not dare: you would marry a rich man's daughter because you would be afraid of what other people would say of you.

BLUNTSCHLI. [overwhelmed] Twenty-three! Twenty-three! [He considers]. Hm! [Swiftly making up his mind and coming to his host] In that case, Major Petkoff, I beg to propose formally to become a suitor for your daughter's hand, in place of Major Saranoff retired.
RAINA. You dare!
BLUNTSCHLI. If you were twenty-three when you said those things to me this afternoon, I shall take them seriously.
CATHERINE. [loftily polite] I doubt, sir, whether you quite realize either my daughter's position or that of Major Serguis Saranoff, whose place you propose to take. The Petkoffs and the Saranoffs are known as the richest and most important families in the country. Our position is almost historical: we can go back for twenty years.
PETKOFF. Oh, never mind that, Catherine. [To Bluntschli] We should be most happy, Bluntschli, if it were only a question of your position; but hang it, you know, Raina is accustomed to a very comfortable establishment. Sergius keeps twenty horses.
BLUNTSCHLI. But who wants twenty horses? We're not going to keep a circus.
CATHERINE. [severely] My daughter, sir, is accustomed to a first-rate stable.
RAINA. Hush, mother: youre making me ridiculous.
BLUNTSCHLI. Oh well, if it comes to a question of an establishment, here goes! [He darts impetuously to the table; seizes the papers in the blue envelope; and turns to Sergius]. How many horses did you say?
SERGIUS. Twenty, noble Switzer.
BLUNTSCHLI. I have two hundred horses. [They are amazed]. How many carriages?
SERGIUS. Three.
BLUNTSCHLI. I have seventy. Twenty-four of them will hold twelve inside, besides two on teh box, without counting the driver and conductor. How many tablecloths have you?
SERGIUS. How the deuce do I know?
BLUNTSCHLI. Have you four thousand?
SERGIUS. No.
BLUNTSCHLI. I have. I have nine thousand six hundred pairs of sheets and blankets, with two thousand four hundred eider-down quilts. I have ten thousand knives and forks, and the same quantity of dessert spoons. I have three hundred servants. I have six palatial establishments, besides two livery stables, a tea garden, and a private house. I have four medals for distinguished services; I have the rank of an officer and the standing of a gentleman; and I have three native languages. Shew me any man in Bulgaria that can offer as much!
PETKOFF. [with childish awe] Are you Emporer of Switzerland?
BLUNTSCHLI. My rank is the highest known in Switzerland: I am a free citizen.
CATHERINE. Then, Captain Bluntschli, since you are my daughter's choice--
RAINA. [mutinously] He's not.
CATHERINE. [ignoring her]--I shall not stand in the way of her happiness.

The greatest question in Arms and the Man: Have you four thousand tablecloths?