Then no doubt it's all for the best.There was a little girl who had the best imaginary friend in the world; his name was Barnebas and he was big like an adult and could reach all the things on top of the shelves, even the cookie jar, and Barnebas could build toy houses out of twigs and always outrace all the bigger kids. Barnebas always had new games to teach the little girl, and his games always made all the children run and dance about when they played them. Barnebas even knew how to make the little girl feel like she was no little girl at all, but all grown up and very important.
With another man, she might have made a mistake
And want to come back to you. If another woman,
She might decide to be forgiving
And gain an advantage. If there's no other woman
And no other man, then the reason may be deeper
And you've ground for hope that she won't come back at all.
If another man, then you'd want to re-marry
To prove to the world that somebody wanted you;
If another woman, you might have to marry her--
You might even imagine that you wanted to marry her.
It will do you no harm to find yourself ridiculous.
Resign yourself to be the fool you are.
That's the best advice that I can give you.
No--not happy: or, if there is any happiness,
Only the happiness of knowing
That the misery does not feed on the ruin of loveliness,
That the tedium is not the residue of ecstasy.
I see that my life was determined long ago
And that the struggle to escape from it
Is only a make-believe, a pretence
That what is, is not, or could be changed.
The self that can say 'I want this--or want that'--
The self that wills--he is a feeble creature;
He has to come to terms in the end
With the obstinate, the tougher self; who does not speak,
Who never talks, who cannot argue;
And who in some men may be the guardian--
But in men like me, the dull, the implacable,
The indomitable spirit of mediocrity.
The willing self can contrive the disaster
Of this unwilling partnership--but can only flourish
In submission to the rule of the stronger partner.
I have half a mind to change my mind now
To show you that I am free to change it.
You were so considerate, people said;
And you thought you were unselfish. It was only passivity;
You only wanted to be bolstered, encouraged...
EDWARD
I doubt if you have ever had a case like mine:
I have ceased to believe in my own personality.
REILLY
Oh, dear yes; this is serious. A very common malady.
Very prevalent indeed.
Like a child who has wandered into a forest
Playing with an imaginary playmate
And suddenly discovers he is only a child
Lost in a forest, wanting to go home.
The words for the building of the hearth.
To begin with, the monkeys are very destructive...
Not at all what I mean. Rather the contrary.
I'd say that she suffered all that we should suffer
In fear and pain and loathing--all these together--
And reluctance of the body to become a thing.
I'd say she suffered more, because more conscious
Than the rest of us. She paid the highest price
In suffering. That is part of the design.
If we all were judged according to the consequences
Of all our words and deeds, beyond the intention
And beyond our limited understanding
Of ourselves and others, we should all be condemned.
Mrs. Chamberlayne, I often have to make a decision
Which may mean restoration or ruin to a patient--
And sometimes I have made the wrong decision.
As for Miss Coplestone, because you think her death was waste
You blame yourselves, and because you blame yourselves
You think her life was wasted. It was triumphant.
But I am no more responsible for the triumph--
And just as responsible for her death as you are.
Everyone makes a choice, of one kind or another,
And then must take the consequences. Celia chose
A way of which the consequence was crucifixion;
Peter Quilpe chose a way that takes him to Boltwell;
And nowt he consequences of the Chamberlaynes' choice
Is a cocktail party. They must be ready for it.
Their guests may be arriving at any moment.
Barnebas went everywhere with the little girl. When she was in school, he sat under her desk and peeked out at all the other kids. Sometimes he would poke them and then the little girl would get in trouble, but mostly Barnebas behaved himself. After all, he never liked it when the little girl got into trouble. And when the little girl rode the bus, Barnebas would sit all the way in the back, so her other friends could sit next to her, but he knew how to talk like a ventriloquist and could be part of the conversation just as if he was sitting right next to the little girl. When the little girl went with her parent's to the store, Barnebas would ride in the bottom of the shopping carts while she rode in the seat up top. And when they went on vacations, he always managed to put himself in a suitcase that the little girl would unzip a little so they could have a conversation while they were driving.
The little girl was very comfortable with Barnebas. He made her feel like she wasn't ever alone, even when she went somewhere scary, like the attic or her parent's walk-in closet, or the big kids bathroom at school. If the little girl's parents had known how brave she was when Barnebas was around, they probably would have tried to convince her that Barnebas didn't exist, because most parents think that it isn't good at all for little girl's to be brave.
As it was, the little girl's father came up to her room one night and tried to explain that Barnebas was a good friend but that she had to remember that he wasn't real. The little girl's father didn't do a very good job of this, because he was a jolly man and he kind of liked Barnebas (it helped that the little girl had told her father that Barnebas came from the same town her father grew up in). Her father never really could convince himself that Barnebas was going to trick the little girl into anything dangerous, like the teachers at school told them. So the parents' attempt to convince themselves that Barnebas wasn't real ended up with the little girl's father having a very serious conversation with Barnebas about the Yankee's chance that year.
One day the little girl was playing near the woods, and without noticing it she went deeper and deeper into the woods, she and Barnebas were playing at Robin Hood and she was chasing very bad knights who liked to beat up poor people like the little girl's Grandma Selma. But luckily the little girl was very good at being Robin Hood and Barnebas was one of the best Little John's there ever was.
After they had trapped the knights and made them treat all the poor people to a great feast with cupcakes and dainties and pudding and mangoes, the little girl got hungry and decided that she wanted to go home. Besides it was getting late and her parents didn't like her to be out late in the afternoon.
The little girl told Barnebas to come on home but he didn't answer. She thought he might be trying to play hide and go seek, so she looked behind a few tall trees and beneath a few very green ferns, but Barnebas wasn't there. She called his name louder and louder but Barnebas just wasn't there. Suddenly she felt very alone. Barnebas was no where, she knew it all the way deep down inside her. Barnebas was gone. The little girl felt awful; the trees were very tall and the forest was very dark. There were strange noises everywhere and she thought she saw the shadows of scary things. The woods were a terrifying place and all she wanted was to be home.
The little girl started to run. She ran through the woods and into the field and across the field to the road and down the road to her home. She didn't stop running until she'd bumped up against her father's legs. And there she burst into tears.
Barnebas was gone! He wasn't her friend anymore! What happened?? Her father picked her up and hugged her and told her that it was part of growing up and that Barnebas went away so that she would be able to become a big girl and he told her that Barnebas was still there, he just was being quiet for a while--of course none of this helped nearly as much as the way the little girl's father hugged her and stroked her hair.
The little girl got used to her life without Barnebas, but she was always afraid to go near the woods. The woods grew very big in her mind and seemed to be about the scariest place on earth and she would have nightmares about them. But she often dreamed of them too because she thought she might find Barnebas there or at The Cocktail Party
.
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